Lessons of the Past

Meditation is done for many reasons, amongst them is to calm down our minds, to find peace, to find happiness, to forget our worries, to gain good merits, to gain spiritual progression and etc...

i have been blessed w such an urgency to practice this previously, and for a period of time, i was consistent in my practice and although i had no teacher, meaning to say i possibly was not practicing it correctly, this act of attempting to slow down your thought process and be more in the present, is really effective!

for that period of time, i seemed to have changed, i guess i was more in the present moment and would tend to concentrate on things i was doing. for that time, when i did my chanting upstairs, the loud tv downstairs would not disrupt me, the music playing in my car was just sounds and i did not feel like singing and dancing to it at all, there wasn't even a thought of moving at the sound of it. when ppl spoke, i listened quietly, patiently, i felt no rush in driving or doing anything and put my effort in the moment. when i ate, i chewed quietly, slowly, and felt no rush to finish my food early. even my thoughts that arose were more wise, i felt that buddhist talks spoke straight to my heart and i was patient and mindful in listening to them.

however, it scared me. that state was absolutely different of what i usually did. being happy, bouncy, excited and like an energizer bunny was no more in me, i became someone quiet, listening and docile. i no longer felt the urge to fight against what ppl hv to say, no thoughts of rebelling. it was like i was someone else. ppl noticed, relatives who felt power when they could easily boss me around said tht i was a more good boy since i didn't seem to fight against them, friends thought i was emo and serious because i was so quiet and passive. articles i read said tht these were like symptoms of depression or something serious in nature.

i guess i just caved into the peer pressure and thought maybe something was not right? i stopped meditating for a period of time and tried to gain back my previous happy happy attitude. I let go and learned another set of things, instead of holding firmly to the rules, i let loose and learned to accept other views and that was when i began to feel a different lightness.

i learnt that when we joke and play w our friends, we learn to make a fool of ourself. not just for fun, but to learn to loosen our ego, not acting as if we were some big shot trying to keep our cool. not viewing ourselves as important, but not thinking about a "self" at all. being humble and not asking for things and simply just accepting things as they come.

i also learnt not to cling. that nothing is OWNED by us, and that all that is around will go one day. not to rely on ppl completely bcoz everyone has problems, learn to rely on ourselves and strengthen our inner mind so that we would have the strength to help others as well.

i also not to trust ppl's words so easily. not because we don't trust ppl, but because words are just words, sometimes they are spoken out of anger or ignorance causing them to not be as meaningful. i say this bcoz i hv many kind hearted friends which just enjoy talking bad about others or even their own good friends sometimes. at first, i thought, what an awful person this is! talking bad of their own best friend! but suddenly i realized, it was not bcoz they hated the person, but bcoz they were just angry coz they cared more n expected more from the person. i guess they trusted me enough to tell me about tht person bcoz they know i wouldn tell another person or even judge them for acting almost two faced.

i also learnt to love without clinging. to love them without expecting them to be a certain certain way, without thinking that the road i choose for them is the best road...to give them the utmost attention when i am with them without expecting them to rmb me 2mr. to be so humble and so happy tht they chose to treat me as a friend when they could hv just ignored or forgotten me instead and not asking for anything more than what they r comfortable w giving.

i also learnt how it feels to be forgotten. not that it was done intentionally, thts why its FORGOTTEN not IGNORED. hahaha and a lot of ppl feel it, and i see how bad tht feeling can affect ppl, so i will change from now on n always think about ppl.

i noticed something, maybe i am not someone who knows how to express care? or warmth? because when i talk, i noticed im always so serious, is this good or bad? i donno haha..its just a way i guess...but i will try to be more thoughtful of ppl from now on, sometimes i act in ways bcoz i donno how to express the feeling, or donno what to do, or i have it in my mind but i just dont dare to say it bcoz ppl might mistake what i say for something else? even if i am concern, i am not sure when my concern is too far? how to b caring for ppl without them mistaking tht i like them? LoL!! omg..think too much! i guess i'll just learn to care and do what i can, no need to worry about if ppl mistake n think i like them haha!! i must forgive myself, n learn to not let the past event make me afraid or change my perspective!

i forgive, i give up my right to hate ppl or things that happen that hurt me deeply. i dont say that just because i did it last time and it failed or it turned out different from my expectations that i don't dare to do it again!

LoL! wow...talked so much! okay...from today, from this moment, i try to be good again, i resolve to,
1. Take the 5 precepts daily
2. Meditate daily
3. Speak when neccesary, speak little
4. Realize this too shall pass and not be affected by the highs and lows of life

im not sure that i can always love without clinging, or be humble and forgiving always..but i will try my hardest to change and pull myself back to the moment again every once in awhile!