Irrational Fear

gooooood morning! i had a chat w a very very good friend today...n i feel much lighter n happier...it was about all my worries about getting a job n working...i had all the things swimming inside my head..but there was no one person which i could fully tell everything to..today i managed to say them out n i got good advice in return...

all this time im so worried about what ppl think about me..thinking im weak..thinking im not getting a "professional" office job...thinking tht im not a filial son...thinking tht i cannot stand pressures in life..even myself...i was worried tht i would stop being "buddhist" enough by working so much tht i forget about my sunday school classes, my meditation, the dhamma...i was worried tht i let go of my friends n they would go away from me...worried tht i let go of my family n they would change without me...haih it was real turmoil inside..pulling me this side, pulling me tht side...telling me money is important..telling me money is not important..telling me friends n family r important..telling me tht these things r not permanent...WOW! alot!

anyways..my good friend says..to let go..work is only like uni..in uni i also had to stay late when it comes to exam times..i stayed late to b with my friends...sometimes i didn wanna stay so long..but i did..n it was okay! it didn't kill me u know...n im so worried tht i will lose my dhamma n bcome this hard person inside w no heart n emotionless..but its not true what..i hav been given the most amazing gift of the dhamma..when im calm enough..i believe tht some of my thoughts r rather wise..when i was young n i had nightmares, my immediate reaction in my dreams r to chant "Namo Buddha" n somehow the things bcome less scary or they will dissapear...so..why m i so worried? The Dhamma is in my blood...i may do some bad things sometimes, but there is still some good deep inside me...i dont hav to change to those types of cold emotionless ppl if i don wan to...i hv a choice..n i can choose to b the compassionate boss..the inspiring one..the motivational one...n thts what i will b!

apart from tht..who says what i work in will not contribute to society?? maybe my job may not help ppl directly..but the money i make, i can use to support temples n the Sangha..now i choose to b a lay person..so my duty as a lay person, is to support my family..support the Sangha so tht the teachings of Lord Buddha can spread into the future..with this in mind..i believe it will b more inspiring to stay somewhere n work hard...its all about the intention in the end

yesterday i had the most interesting meditation i have ever had so far..for a moment, i suddenly thought of how i donno what work i wanna do..n suddenly in this moment i saw fear arise in me..for the first time..i trusted myself..i relaxed..n i watchd..n i saw as it came n it left so quickly!..its the first time i had been this mindful..usually i would try so hard to notice n b mindful of things..all this while i was tense..but this time..i trusted myself..i relaxd n let the wisdom to take its place n it did!

so maybe thts how life should work?...i cant b tense at every situation bcoz fear is just focusing on the negative things tht could happen in my future..fear doesn't accomplish anything..infact it adds to my problems by giving me a tummy upset..fear is overrated! Many times in life, the actual pain faced is so much lesser than the fear of it happening! so why worry???

let loose..maybe i donno what i want now..maybe i will never know what i want..maybe i donno what work i want now..but maybe i may just love my job so much next time tht someone has to stop me from doing it! maybe the choice of something non-professional may not bring me job security, but HEY! we never know anything unless we try...even if we dont like it...stay for awhile...its not tht we r wasting our time..we r still earning money which we will use to support the Sangha..support the Dhamma...n that is most important of all!!

Thank you my Kalyana Mitra...i truly appreciate the advice u hav given me..its the talk tht i hv been wanting to hv for a truly long time LoL! Sadhu!!