I am afraid

i am afraid...it took so many months only for me to realize this fact...and now i admit it...i am so very afraid...

finally i graduated..what seems almost like a wonderful feeling to others, somehow feels rather plain to me...yeaps...its true, all those years of hard work can now be paid off...but then i feel unready to deal with the world yet...

today i find my mind in turmoil, thinking and thinking and thinking...worrying and worrying and worrying...i realize this too shall pass...but i'll just type out whats in my mind...

i am truly afraid to go out and work...the thought that i now have to go out there, mix with other people...sit in a desk and just do work is not very scary...but somehow i feel afraid...mainly bcoz i feel as if its taking away my time with my family...not anymore can i say "lets have lunch together mom and bro!"...or say "let's go watch a movie today friends!"...if the work is for long hours, i may even forgo watching tv at night with mom...or if it takes the weekends, i cant go out with my family n spend time together...as i further delve into the thought, i think that my parents cant be here with me forever...n somehow my best friend n closer friends are not from this area locally...some are from other states, some even other countries!...i feel really sad when i think that i may never see them again...i donno if i can ever find people to replace them in my heart...

this is the first time i ever feel like that..i know i left primary into high school..n i left high school into college...but somehow i guess i never was so close to anyone that i could feel so much attachment to them...n now i do...n today i do...n its a whole new experience for me which i really donno how to handle...

the little voice of wisdom in my head says..be mindful of your present moment...be mindful of now...live PRESENTLY...n thats what i shall do...bcoz u know what..i never know what my karma has installd for me...a wise teacher said to me..."whatever it is you are meant to do, somehow or another, your karma will lead you to it"...so i guess i have to let go...go with this flow...not worry about my future bcoz the future is so vast, so wide, so uncertain...anytime i may go...anytime the ppl i know may go...so many things can happen...thinking about the possibilities would be endless...so it is fruitless...i will guard my mind...i will be mindful...though my future is uncertain, one thing i am certain of, THE DHAMMA will always be in my heart!! This is an affirmation which i will make to myself, and i will remind myself always of the teachings of the Buddha. Sadhu sadhu sadhu!