i am mindful of something...my behavior...yesterday i brought my students out to jalan jalan...it was fun at first...but somewhere near the end, i realized it was late n i had to go home for dinner w my family, i also had to send them home. the thing was, there were 3 of them...n three wantd to do different things, one wanted to play badminton, one said if we go badminton, he wanna go home, the other said he wantd to eat hot dog...i had less than 10 bucks on hand and i could not fulfill all their requests. all 3 were also constantly pleading me to go cyber cafe w them...in my mind i thought...what for ask me go out n go cyber cafe w u?? its not like i can or wan to play any games n its not like i wanna pay to use internet when i can very well use it at home...anyways this went on for awhile w them threatening me w things like they wanna stop going sunday school and what not...quite frustrating tht i snapped n said "OKAY, now i will send u home n then i will send u home, okay?" HAIH!!!..words cant describe how turbulent my mind was tht moment...part of me was angry w myself for scolding them...part of me was angry bcoz i was not willing to spend time w them...i really did not know what was the right way to handle the situation..thus im dissapointed...
anyways on the way home, i felt bad n msgd them to tell them tht i was sorry if i had made them unhappy w anything i did or said..argh...i really donno what to think..sometimes i even ask myself..why m i so nice to them?..can u see?? is it bcoz of the nice feeling they give me?? does that mean that i am unable to logically differentiate what is right what is wrong?..
today i begin to ask myself how this anger arose?...was it the fact that i had tried to manipulate them in a certain way and when they could not do as i pleased that i was unhappy at them?? coz i couldn't control them?..or was it because i was so busy trying to please them that when i couldn't please all three of them at the same time, i just got angry?...both r possible...
asking myself again how to deal w it...i cant think of any other solution except that i shouldn't be too involved in trying to please them next time?..or??...huhh...
changing topics...i rmb 2 important lessons...
1. time is ever changing. some ppl may say tht time is cruel to take things away from us. but from a dhamma standpoint, time is nature, n it is foolish to be angry at nature, do we scold waterfalls for having water flow downwards? do we scold the sky for being blue? no! because it just is, scolding it doesn't change the fact of its nature. time is ever changing, one day, all thats around us will go. im thinking of my students so often, do they think of me so much? not necessary, they hv dreams to go Harvard when they grow older, leave our country...i wont see them anymore and its possible that they would even forget who m i. so why m i so attached to something which is not MINE, causes me so much suffering, and will soon go away?? hmmm...GOOD question!! haha
2. Ineffusive Cordiality...an advice given to my father by an famous thai monk...ineffusive speaks of non attachment, not being sticky. whereas cordiality is friendliness and warmness. put together, it simply means to be friendly and warm to all beings without being too attached. not becoming too close i guess? which in a way makes sense...because it means giving and loving your friends (& family!!) unconditionally and expecting nothing from them in return because i guess attachment stems from wishing for them to be ur friend or being close to u...loving unconditionally however does not even expect u to rmb them or be grateful! so..yeaps..its the essence of metta~~ haha..i guess i really need to work on this one! =)
okay then...in a way my mind is much more cleared up today...recalling the 8 worldly conditions, i must be strong, realize tht these r not MY students, MY friends...sometimes im happy w them, sometimes i sad, sometimes i can influence them, sometimes i hv no influence, sometimes they will hate me, sometimes they will love me...but always rmb and reflect "this is impermanent, not mine and bring suffering. this too shall pass"!!
Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu
No comments:
Post a Comment