Working Late

wow i haven even had the time to blog ever since i started work...so i guess there is much to say...i started work with a batch of ppl on 1st March this year...what i thought would be kinda scary turned out quite okay when i saw so many familiar faces in the new firm, in addition, everyone felt equally as afraid thus more friendly...everyone made new friends, n im quite happy to say i made quite a few too..even those from university which i didn't quite mix with, we were friendlier here n got closer hahaha their really nice..

work began n i was told i had to stay back...honestly speaking..i wasn't thrilled with the prospect, but i knew it was bound to happen in all lines of works n industries...working late is a norm now...however as i was speaking to colleagues about how work hours were in this industry...i began to see something i didn't want...uncertainty...i think its time i recognize the fact that i have great fear towards uncertainty...when thrusted into new situations, new environments where possibilities are endless...i get scared i have to say...

initially i have to say tht having a strict manager made me more afraid...but the rest of the team were quite nice n friendly too, so it made it all much better...but as i started doing the work...comparing it with the hours...i began to ask myself...is this something i would like to do 1, 2, 3 years from now?? yeaps..many people say the experience n salary increment is worth it..in our future, it will also be great for our future as it offers flexibility and experience unlike many other industries..so..am i silly for not being able to see that?

when i heard that we could change to tax, the playful mind began to play tricks...it sought to escape and be adverse towards such suffering, it decided then i wantd to do tax..which honestly speaking, i really did wanna do it..the fact is that i enjoy it..what more, im really good at it...so..what about that? when i sought for dept transfer, i got many frowns from many ppl, but despite that i held on to it...then i heard it..tax also had equally as crazy hours...was the money worth it again i asked myself...n the answer was no..maybe not so...

so finally i decided..i wantd to leave this company n possibly this whole industry...i tenderd my resignation in and waited for a reply...the reply came in n i told my colleagues...what came as a shocker to me was that all this while, my every action had been monitored n gossiped about all this while...it was frightening how information and stories came up without me even making them. Most people were happy for me n wished me the best of luck, some ppl thought i was too emotional and doing this too soon, i should have stayed longer...all this while i just smiled and accepted all they said..but here..in my sanctuary..i shall speak...

i guess when i was young, i read too many motivational books...and this was what it said...never work for money...never be a slave for money...to look back at what i am doing now...i was on this way to this rat race...everybody in the world says this industry is good for ur future..earns big bucks in ur future...but u hv to put up with this suffering for the 2-3 years...u jeopardize ur health, ur sleep, ur time, ur spirituality, ur family, ur friends...for what? money. im not saying its a bad decision, if you think its worth it, go ahead, but for me...having had certain occurrences in my own life..i feel that life is unpredictable...anytime..anything around u could just dissapear...death can just come knocking on your door or taking away those closest and dearest to you..that is life..it is impermanent...having said that..while they r alive..while they r here..i would like to spend more time with my family..my friends..maybe its selfish as it is not about them..but they make me strong..their love makes me strong...i need them...i know tht when we lose contact..noone can replace their places in my heart..thus i would like more time with them...what is the point of having so much money in my future, if all the friends i have were colleagues? if i had noone i could spill my heart to? if i had noone to love and care for? so i say its not worth it for me...never ever will i sacrifice such things for money.

that being said..how is my choice of action viewed in buddhism? is it that i am averse to suffering?...but if so..what is wrong with that? are not all being averse towards suffering? do we all not just crave happiness? it is the dhamma...having said that..if lets say i were to make the choice to stay with the company..it means i would need to accept my suffering..i do not wish to be someone who enters a job which they claim is good for them, n complain about it whenever they can...if u choose it, then live with your choice...all choices have pros n cons...if u think the pros are worth it..then accept the cons...thus my choice of suffering has to be clear cut..if i know what i have to put up with n its reasonable..then go for it..strive hard! is this not dhamma too? the dhamma of accepting and facing suffering?? i do not wish to continue with my job and whenever i get scolded i say that our boss is so n so and is this and that...i would like to be accepting of my boss..realizing that they scold us bcoz they want us to be better...that they took the time n effort to see that we were wrong...n tht the scolding is bcoz of their job n tht the scolding allows the job to be better...even if they were unreasonable..maybe they hv problems..worries..anger..n they just needed to vent..thus we b patient with them..love them..accept them as they are...a normal human being, with feelings and emotions, with problems, with happiness and sadness.

so i guess thats all i have to say..i am relieved that i am able to leave this job..i will look for a job with a more balanced lifestyle..n this concept that cant seem to be drummed into other ppl's head..i will say here once n i shall not repeat to them again...its not that i dont wish to work late, but i dont wish to work till early morning..working till 12 or 1 at times is understandable..but please...i am someone who would prefer to sleep early and wake up early in the morning to do your work for you...i see no productivity in staying up late, being tired and working on something when u could sleep, be energized n come early to do the work n complete it in a shorter amount of time..thts my view..im sorry if people don't share it