AMAZING! that is the word in my mind now...for so many years my fears has been eating and etching away at my self esteem...what was once a passionately driven go getter has reduced me into a laid back easy come easy go guy...not that it was a bad thing..i have learned much from the experiences...
as a go-getter i had always pushed away happiness, thinking i need to suffer through this to get something better...to get something nicer...i didn't know how to appreciate what i had..it never made me happy and my only source of comfort was that it would be for a greater good some day...that being said i had pushed myself a lot and hard...put myself in the most awkward and uncomfortable positions and now looking at things, im pretty happy i did those things as they have all contributed to my current strengths and abilities..so..yay!
as a laid back person, i was lazy and run down...i just let life pass me by surrendering my fate to luck haha i got irritated by situations in which took me away from my fun and also ppl who could not see the fun side of life and things...that being said i got to enjoy many things i never did before. i got a taste of youth for once, enjoying the party instead of organizing it...following instead of leading...being rowdy and care free...going out w friends wo regards to my studies..going out weekly, laughing, making a fool of myself, a fool of others...it was a good life...i have honestly never felt so close n so connected w ppl before n the friends which i made were truly one of a kind n i appreciate every single one of them =)
however, unbeknown-st to me...i was actually hiding away from life...n im ashamed to say that i was hiding behind religion...i found this quote that day that made me realize that we should not run away from our problems in the name of religion, but to view our problems from the perspective of religion when we face them...n i was running away...w the concept of impermanence, i saw no need to strive for things which i would eventually lose, i became antisocial w the mentality that if ppl really wantd to b my friend they would approach me themselves, i became reserved, quiet and safe...i got irritated w ppl who tried to push me out of my comfort zone..
n when u think about it...if i were truly a better person, would i have gotten such outbursts w irritating ppl? would i still b fuming within for non understanding ppl? i doubt it...all i did was just to hold myself back...to push angry thoughts away...i was just resisting w the expectation tht i will bcome a better person..n it built on my ego making me think i was better than others, thus shunning them away from me...i was disconnected w reality...hmmm...
ANYWAYS all that being said, today i stand here w a more neutral view. i managed to stumble upon a friend's blog and the attitude and energy from this person towards challenges and the world has allowed me to find my strength once more...i will try harder i will go the distance! from today, i will blend both my experiences together...i will learn to be COURAGEOUS in the face of challenges, and HARD WORKING towards a better future, yet still be APPRECIATIVE of all that i have. i will OPEN MY HEART and be FORGIVING to all people, i will NOT JUDGE them and realize that they r exactly how i will be if i were to face the same situations in life as them. Yet, i will still be wary of ppl whom don't treat me as well. I will be CLEAN mentally, physically and spiritually, seeking to do no secret evil and to do and say everything in a way that allows me to be able to walk w pride (guang ming zhen da)! YEAAA!! okay okay...thanks alot to this anonymous person, although i barely know you but you have made a difference in my life! GAM XIA! LoL!!
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