Reliable

i wanna say how easy life has been...i wanna say everything is okay...waaa....doesn tht sound like such a cool way to start a post? haha!!

reliance...this word came to mind today...all this while...we trust ppl...we depend on ppl...we rely on ppl for our happiness...our family, loved ones, friends etc...if someone in our perspective is deemd "reliable"...we trust them w greater things...bigger secrets...heavier responsibilities...n when the they cant meet our expectations n we get hurt...we say "i cant rely on u...i cant bliv i was so stupid...ur not trustable..." in hopes tht those few words can hurt them as how they hv hurt us...

but lets take a look at it...how do we define someone as trustable? as reliable?...its when

1. some problem arose which we were unable to deal w it ourselves
2. this person who had a skill or ability to help solve the problem is present
3. we know this person
4. they were aware w the problem we were facing
5. they were willing to help solve the problem
6. they were available to help us w the problem

n those r just some of the many conditions tht were required for them to demonstrate their "reliability" to u...if any 1 of these conditions were missing...u would not know of this person's "reliability"...no?...our perspective of someone's reliability thus bcomes conditional...

as its conditional...there r many possibilities in the future...where this person may b unable, unavailable or unskilled to help us w our problems thus we come to view them as "unreliable"...n our perspectives change....

but...were they "reliable" even in the first place?...no...we just viewd them as reliable...im not implying that nobody is reliable n that we have to rely on ourselves...bcoz even ourselves are unreliable...how many times hav we woke up n said...okay! i must focus on my studies n finish this today!...did we focus on our studies? did we do what we promise ourselves? nope...so we r unreliable too! haha...ironic isn't it??

dont take what i said wrongly...this is not about ppl not being reliable or not...but more to show how things r conditional...n frequently...ignorant as we r...we rely on things which cannot b relied about...we rely on views which we know r wrong...we like ppl we know will never like us...we say things we know which r wrong...we do things which we know hurt other ppl...most of the time intentionally knowing tht it will hurt us...its like walking into a brick walk although u know that there is a wall there...or touching fire knowing it will burn u....truly ignorant the mind is...

having said all tht..what is reliable then?...who is reliable?...what can we b a suitable refuge for us? (note: refuge means someone/somewhere where we can b protected from harm)...well since everything is so conditional n fragile...i guess something that is solid would b good to take refuge in?...something permanent...something hard like a rock which we can lean on...

n what is this item which never changes?...it is the Dhamma...Dhamma means nature...n nature is the way something is...the nature of fire is hot...nature of water is fluid etc...rain is wet, that is an unchanging fact of nature, if it rains n u stand in the rain, u cant complain that u r getting wet bcoz u chose to stand in the rain...similarly, a rainbow or cloud may b beautiful to see...but u cannot hold it...n even if u could touch it, u cannot keep it...u cannot catch it...that is its nature...that is the nature of most things...nature of impermanence...n if we seek to cling n rely on something impermanent...it will lead to suffering...

having said that...its not wrong to cling or rely or attach...but just realize the nature that things r impermanent n conditional...thus is we attach...b prepared to accept the suffering tht comes w it...its like when u buy a handphone...it will hav its awesome features, but there r also some drawbacks...but u accept it knowing tht this too is part of the phone...n sometimes for certain good features, u need to accept the bad features as well

to conclude...reliance is like leaning on a cloud...i might fall down anytime...but thats what kids do...their so safe, so protected that they rely on others...they dont care how important that thing u hav to do is...they dont bother if its work...or its a family emergency...all they see is that u can't keep ur promise to them...n they really looked forward of being w u...n bcoz u couldn...they couldn spend time w u either...n i guess thats how i think sometimes too...i dont care how tired or busy ppl r...i just wanna spend time w them...n when they cancelled on me or they couldn make it...i feel so dissapointd as well...i know i should b more understanding n what not...but its just...haha...donno how to say...

but thts not the point...i hope tht it was not bcoz i didn go sunday school so many weeks..tht made those 2 students of mine choose to stop going sunday school...i know they were there only bcoz of me..but i wantd to join my friends at the other temple...n i didn give them the attention they dservd...hmmm...i hope i can b more "reliable" to other students..my friends...n my family in the future...i realize lately i hv been very lazy n what not...n im truly sorry..i'll try n do better